The Whimsiad

Media Release – For Immediate Release

November 30, 2011

OSHAWA – Vic Toews, Canada’s Minister for Public Safety, told the Institute for Canadian Values today that in the event the Supreme Court rules that polygamy is legal in Canada, the Harper Government would invoke the constitution’s notwithstanding clause in order to preserve the traditional definition of adultery.

“It is a simple moral fact: the protection of women, and children is paramount,” said Toews. “The Harper Government is willing to take the necessary steps to ensure that whatever activist judges on the Supreme Court may decide, that in Canada, a man will only be able to cheat on one wife at a time.”

Toews said that the courts had no business in overturning traditional adultery, which he said has been a part of the Judeo-Christian tradition since Moses descended from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments.

“The Biblical injunction is clear: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife – not ‘wives’” said Toews. “Polygamous adultery makes a sickening mockery of everything adultery is supposed to be.”

Toews said that the Harper Conservatives would fight to preserve the traditional definition of adultery, which includes fathering children out of wedlock with junior staffers of cabinet colleagues and having affairs with your sister-in-law’s nanny.

Toews also reaffirmed the governments’ stance on the traditional definition of marriage, which includes your wife being in a lesbian relationship with her RCMP security detail.

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OTTAWA – The Hon. Leona Aglukkaq, Minister of Health and Minister of the Canadian Northern Economic Development Agency today announced a new Fitness Tax Credit for Seniors who shovel their own sidewalks, effective immediately.

Aglukkaq said that the new program, is the first in a series of “preventive” health care measures from the Harper Government that will pare health care costs by encouraging Canadians to take greater responsibility for their health, while also supporting independent living and fitness in those 55 and over.

“Studies show that seniors can improve muscle mass and cardiovascular fitness through strenuous physical activity,” said Aglukkaq. “By instituting a Seniors Fitness Tax Credit for Shoveling Snow, seniors on fixed incomes will not have to pay anyone to shovel their walks, they will be rewarded – even posthumously – for doing it themselves.”

Aglukkaq said that seniors who mail in photographic or video proof that they shovel their own sidewalks will receive a crisp $50 Canadian bill in the mail. If the snow is heavy and wet, the amount rises to $100.

Concerns that shoveling snow might lead to heart attacks was unwarranted, said Aglukkaq.

“There is no scientific consensus on the link between shoveling snow and heart attacks,” said Aglukkaq. “In fact, there is more credible scientific evidence for climate change.”

Aglukkaq said that if the program is widely adopted, it would actually save the government hundreds of millions of taxpayers’ dollars by reducing overspending in CPP, the Guaranteed Income Supplement, and health care costs. The savings would be achieved mostly through attrition, she added.

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A cult favourite documentary about the cult favourite sport of sponge hockey, played by 10,000 obsessed fans in -30C weather in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

It tells the story of the sport and a man, who, after the humiliation of being traded for a bag of pucks, suspects that he may have lost a championship because the other side used a performance-enhancing substance – WD-40.

A modified version of this documentary aired on a special version of CBC’s flagship sports show, Hockey Night in Canada – Hockey Day in Canada.

Produced and Directed by Gavin Adamson and Dougald Lamont. Thanks to Sloan and The Weakerthans for permission to use their songs, “Money City Maniacs” (from Sloan’s Four Nights at the Palais Royale) and “Left and Leaving” from The Weakerthans album of the same name.

SPONGEE: Checks Lies and Videotape – The Director’s Cut from Dougald Lamont on Vimeo.